Log in

No account? Create an account

last romance, ily.

 this is going to be my last post in this blog, dedicated to him.

to my boy:

i dont know if you will be reading this. i dont know after you read this, what will be your feelings and reaction. but i'll still write it down here, as a form of closure for whatever negative things i’m feeling and my last blessing for you.

thanks for the happy times you have given me in the last 10months. i was happy before. cos i know that someone will be there for me and that someone is just a message away. and i told myself that i'll be there for you like how you will be there for me.

i hated you. cos you ended the relationship just like that. just cos of one reason, which can be solved, if we could just meet up and talk. i hate you for ending this relationship after we've been through so much together. i've so many things to tell you, about you, about me, about us. yes, you said that everytime we meet, we end up not talking. i know this is partly my fault. but there're so many things that i want to tell you. so much that i dont know where to start. i hate you. cos you said you wont leave me, you promised that you wont leave me, but things ended up this way. i hate you, cos you just cant accept me for who i am. i hate you, for telling me that you still want us to be couple and yet you chose to end this relationship. i hate you, for not giving me, giving yourself and giving us another chance. i know that second chances wont exist anymore. i hate you for ending this relationship via sms. cos i really really want to see you for one last time, and also hug you for one last time. i hate you, for treating as though this breakup doesn’t even have any effect on you. i hate you, cos you made it seem like nothing matters to you anymore, when everything mean so so much to me. you once told me that we will overcome any problems together. i hate you, for not wanting to overcome this problem with me, leaving me here alone. i hate you even more, when it is the 1st of the month, because we could have gone so much longer, if you haven give up.

but, even though i hate you, there's part of me which loves and miss you still.

i chose to delete those photos, cos the photos of us, reminded me that you're one of the best thing that happened to me. and they remind me of those happy times together, which could never happened again cos time doesnt rewind and cos you wont come back to me anymore. you've given me beautiful memories, apart from all the quarrels. and it's those memories that are hindering me from letting you go. you carry on your life happily, continue to smile. cos that's what i loved most- your smile. i need a long time to heal, thats what i know, cos i fallen too deep in.

i guess you will be happier w/o me. at least you got the freedom you want, no one breathing down your neck anymore.

remember how we usually take long bus trips? remember how we used to worry for each other? remember how you'll get jealous easily and i'll get jealous when you get too close to other girls? remember how we slept on the bus or mrt while we are going home? remember how we used to watch funny videos on my laptop together? i'm doing it all now, but its without you.

in my dream, you are mine. but in reality, you are nothing but a dream now.

when i think of you before, i couldnt help but smile, cos you have completed me somehow. i love you, not just now but always, and i'm waiting, for you to hold me in your arms. when i think of you now, i couldnt help but tear, cos i dont feel complete anymore. it hurts a lot. my friend told me that it hurts this much cos i've put in everything that i've got, and that what matters is that i've tried my best. i hate you again for this, cos you din even take our memories, the things i've done for you into consideration when making that decision.

the utmost pain in this world is not breaking up with you, it's remembering the love that we once shared and yet there's no likelihood to revive this love once again.

i've so much to tell you. i guess this is my only platform to tell you what i want to tell you. boy, i love your possessiveness, cos it makes me feel a sense of security that i've never felt before. boy, i love you the way you are. but did you realise, i'm the one changing to the girl that you would like? when you ask me why i'm not clingy as before, why i dont htht with you but with others, i changed into someone clingy and tell you everything that happened in my life and how i'm feeling. when i changed into someone like that, you said that i've changed into someone you dont know anymore and that i'm not as independent as before. you dont like to tell me things that had passed, i understand that, but i want to know more about you, i want to be part of your life, like how i put you into my life. i really want you to just open up and tell me how you feel. no more chances to do that already, another regret which i've for this relationship, when it ends.

my phone is so quiet now, without your messages.

one day, when you see sally on the street, she would no longer be the same person that you know of anymore. she'll be stronger than ever. the last thing i could possibly ask for is that you remembering me as someone you really loved before and as someone who really love you a lot a lot before. and one day, if you ever see me on the street, do say hi and give me your best smile to let me know that you are doing fine. i will smile back, telling you that i’m glad. if time were to rewind, i’ll also make the same decision i’ve made on november-first-oh-nine. you gave me too much to remember, you gave me too much memories to let go. never regret knowing you, only regret not being able to continue this relationship and be your last and only girlfriend.

treat your next girlfriend well. treasure her and have faith in her. dont let the feelings of insecurity stop you from loving the girl.

i know you're going to move away from this breakup even easier than me. cos i'm really emotionally attached to you. i really want to know if you really true to me before and when you initiate the breakup, how were you feeling at that point in time. dont want to cry over this breakup anymore. but i know it isnt possible. after everything is vented out, i wont cry for you anymore.

will always remember november-first-oh-nine.

saw a quote somewhere- "sometimes you have to keep communicating with the one you are trying to move on to let yourself get used to the fact that it's over. cos when you're forced to forget them right then and there, it eats you up. esp out of the blue, they come back, just when you think you are doing fine." .. and i'm only left with this way to communicate with you, even though i really have no idea if you would come back and read my blog.

i hope you wont avoid/ignore me anymore. you were the one who said to be friends, friends don’t ignore each other.

i’m going to miss you nagging at me to eat my meals regularly, to not skip any meals, to not eat maggie mee early in the morning for breakfast, asking me to go rest when i’m sick. i’m going to miss nagging at you to tell you not to smoke so much. i’m going to miss making you smile with all my funny faces. i’m going to miss the talks we had over the phone at night. i’m going to miss all your messages. i’m going to miss you and everything related to you. i wonder if you’ll miss me in time to come.

i wont deny the fact that i was still hoping that you would come back to me after the breakup, and i would go back to you. but i guess, i expected too much again.

thanks for everything. takecare lots boy, my piggy laogong tang tang. i'll miss you. and i love you. don’t smoke so much, it’s bad for your cough. don’t stay out too late also, go back home early and spend more time with your family.

011109 – 260910, 10months 25days.

with love,

3 truths:

1. i miss you still
2. i love you
3. the monkey soft toy you gave me, it's still lying on my bed.

Sep. 30th, 2010

 i'm freaking pissed with my idiotic brother who hacked into my laptop today afternoon and use it to download games and when i found out and confronted him about it he freakingly denied when his face shows that he is GUILTY of using my laptop and i have solid evidence and my parents still praised him for being clever for being able to guess my laptop password when i scolded him all sorts of vulgarities and i'm still darn angry about this. 

as you can see, i'm really darn pissed cos i dont like it when he uses my laptop w/o my permission to dl games cos the games he downloaded has caused his desktop to crash and i seriously dont want this to happen to my laptop as i dont have the money to buy a new one and my parents confirm wont help me pay for it, which is super not fair if my brother is the one who spoil my laptop.

idiot! today is a bad day enough for me. he has to make it worse. basket.

and tomorrow is 1st of october, our 11th month, if we are still together. haiix
 i know i shd be resting now instead of using my laptop. i've made several decisions. when i recover, i'm going to post one last post in this blog. wont delete this blog cos it contains our memories. will start a new blog once i'm over you, over the heartache period, when i know that i can face you, as friends, when i no longer miss you. opening a new blog signifies that i'm no longer hanging on, no longer feeling sad, and i'm stronger than before and that i'm starting anew, a life without you. i dont know how long it will take. its hard. 

takecare lots, boy. 

Sep. 26th, 2010

maybe if you tell me what you want, i may be able to fulfil it. maybe if you tell me why, i'll be able to stop thinking so much. maybe if you tell me what's wrong, i'll be able to fix it.

been sooo looong since i updated. i'm lazy and nothing interesting is happening in my life. i cant rmb what i did also. =="

the cut which i got the other time, left a scar on my hand. so obvious. ==" 

i need someone who wont give up on me.

till here,

Sep. 17th, 2010

 i need a miracle.

shit. accidentally cut myself against a sharp edge. pain. but it's this pain that makes me feel that i'm living again.
 i miss how close we used to be,

7sep: realised that i've a flair for writing long long essays after all. able to write an essay length of message(s) telling him how i felt etc within 45mins to 1hour, exams condition. if only i can write like that in exams for all my subjects. zzz

realised that my stats lecturer cant read properly. keep making the same mistake in lecture. end up calculation also wrong. he read blue for red and black for red. but he's quite okay, i guess. since i can understand what he is teaching, just that his lecture is boring dao i fell asleep. went to school with my friends who are from pj also. talked crap on the way there, inside joke about bread, jam and muffin. 

went home and do a bit of tutorial. went out again at 5.30 to meet sie hui qing ai de at cityhall. ate xinwang. went to helix bridge there to talk. thanks for the talk. it made me think and it hurts a lot. left helix bridge at around 10.30pm. but only reach home after 12am. tired to the max.

8sep: tired dao... zzz .. 3hours maths lecture but i only went for 1hour. cos the lecturer cui dao i nothing to say. 20mins before the break, me and my friends went toilet and stayed there to talk. when we went back and sat down, the lecturer said it's time for a short break. and we already intending to leave during the break. so packed our things and slacked outside the lecture theatre. talked till 11.30am. rained super heavily. had to wait for rain to get smaller before i can go home. luckily met my friend who stayed in bukit panjang and she got umbrella. so share. cold die me in the bus. my leg wet. zzz

went out at 5.30pm for my driving practical lesson. doing so much better lerh. whew. then went home a while before parents bring me to temple to pray. 

today! econs lecture. slightly better but draw graph draw dao i pek chek. ==" .. headed home after school. had dental at 6pm. dentist today so rough. zzz .. pain. went to buy hair dye after that. went home and dye hair. should have used finish the whole bottle. cos the colour not that obvious. zzz .. but it's okay. i still like it. 

sally, please please please stop thinking and start focusing! everything just sucks big time.

i miss you,

till here,
 "i will smile uncontrollably and then cry, for it was just a memory, a fragment of dream that will never happen again..."
- 'To Forget You'

haven been posting a decent post. 

30aug: econs lecture! blur dao. ==" .. nothing to say. cant do specialisation and trade questions. then lecturer start new chapter, when i haven even figure out what the previous chapter is talking about. zzz .. forgot what i did after i went home. most prob is sleep. zzz

31aug: stats lecture. bored. end up me and friend in lt take photo. got driving practical lesson. try in the circuit first then went out. scary. x.x .. after practical lesson went to meet dorothy and emilyn at orchard. so long nvr go out with both of them lerh. went around to shop. end up me and emilyn buy a lot of things. had dinner then dorothy need to leave first cos she got tuition. me and emilyn stayed at orchard till 8plus before taking train home to watch our last episode of 9pm show.

1sep: nvr go school. cos i'm sick. vomited 4 times. zzz .. doesnt make any difference whether got go school not. cos maths lecture is waste of time. lecturer dont know how to teach. stayed at home, rest, sleep. feel much better in the evening. din eat breakfast and lunch. but ate dinner. porridge. dont like. yucks. x.x 

2sep: IBM lecture. not bad. manage to understand. lecturer quite funny larh. say what he teach derh students all come out to be very confident esp girls. and that girls in his class usually change boyfriend halfway thru the year. zzz .. he is teaching on "women in management" and say women is certainly not inferior to men but rather equal or superior to them. hah. and out of so many things he taught that day, i only remembered that cos i like it. hahas. went home and cant remember what i did. =="

3sep: IBM lecture again. the things he taught today very very very heavy. 1 hour into the lecture, my brain is like signalling to me "ALERT ALERT, INFO GOING TO OVERLOAD SOON" .. and by 1 and 1/2 hour, which is the break, i blur liao. info too much. cannot take in. zzz .. so for the remaining time in lecture, i keep praying that the lecture will end soon. had lunch with my friend in school before going back home and change shoes and go out for driving practical lesson. din try circuit today. stupid. got one driver honk me. idiot. and that driver also just got his license nia. honk what honk larh. tsk. had ftt practice after practical. then went back home. 

weekends: not a fantastic weekend for me. too many things happen lerh. and i dont want to say it cos i dont want to get reminded of it. if i'm close to you, i might tell you. if not, dont ask. 

today: was late for econs lecture today cos bukit timah that area traffic jam. zzz .. lost like a little lamb during the lecture. couldnt understand what is taught. how how. ): .. went home after lecture. cos need take care of the 2 kids at home. 

really really glad to have friends who really care. 

i love you but sorry, i dont know how to love you the correct way.

till here,

Sep. 4th, 2010

 you just dont care.

so glad that my nanny's daughter called. finally can talk to her abt many many many things.

 fuck. feeling darn shitty now. 
 shit. my stomach is driving me nuts. and worse still, my rashes are beginning to come out. ~!@#$%^&* .. arrgh.

dont need sleep tonight lerh. ==" .. even though i'm sleepy. xin ku ttm. ):

and i have school tmr.

so i'm going to study ibm now so that i can sleep when i reach home tmr afternoon. =="

stupid stomach. ):